What are tantrums? Merriam-Webster defines tantrum as a "fit of bad temper". All children have them. I know plenty of adults who have a "fit of bad temper" as well on occasion. Never me. 🙂 When you come to Mess For Less and get ideas for kids crafts and activities, you will see lots of photos of my happy and engaged children. If you don't know us personally, you might think things are always like that at my house. That is far from the truth. We deal with our fair share of meltdowns and temper tantrums. If you have a child of any age then chances are you have dealt with a tantrum or two as well. My kids are prone to them and some days are worse than others. Sometimes it just seems like they just wake up in a bad mood. Ever feel that way? Here are 10 Ways to Stop a Tantrum that I have found effective. You might also find Helping Toddlers Deal with Change helpful.
If you would like to purchase books that have helped me stop a tantrum, there is a list at the end of this post.
Ways to Stop a Tantrum
From a child's perspective, what are temper tantrums good for? Clearly, tantrums allow children to express their frustrations, but they are also a way for children to get attention. With that in mind, here are some tips and techniques we have used (in no particular order) to help stop a tantrum and restore calm to the household. You will notice many of them involve diverting a child's attention.
1. Distraction
This is a pretty easy one to employ and it works great for those times a child is upset because you won't give them something they want. "I have to tell you/show you something!" I'll say in a very excited voice. Often, that's enough to stop the tears and pique their interest.
2. Counting
We used to think my daughter B could not control her temper and outbursts. I would often think "poor kid, she can't help it." When she would be having a fit about something (she didn't get the color cup she wanted at lunch) we started counting to three and told her that if we got to three, she would go to time out. She did not want to go to time out and so she would stop crying. It would be pretty funny to see this kid going from full blown fit to quiet. It looks like maybe she could control her outbursts after all. Hmmmm...
3. Removing an item or privilege
In the midst of a meltdown, we say that we are going to take away something the child enjoys unless they can calm down. For example, "If you don't calm down and stop yelling then we will not go to the park later." Often the fear of losing something enjoyable can get kids back on track.
4. Deep breathing
Sometimes my daughters get so worked up about something that they forget to breathe and need to be reminded to do so. During calmer times, I have taught my kids how to take deep breaths and we will often do them together during a tantrum. This usually helps stop the crying and screaming on the part of the child, and truth be told, helps the parent calm down as well.
5. Tight Hugs
This goes hand in hand with the deep breathing. I find that a tight hug makes my child feel safe and they will often collapse into me since they are exhausted from the tantrum.
6. Quiet Spot
When one of my daughters was having frequent and severe tantrums, we established a "quiet spot" for her. We used a pack and play with pillows and a stuffed animal in it. Another option is a cozy corner in another room away from the action. Some pillows and stuffed animals help to diffuse the situation. We would let my daughter tell us when she was ready to come out. Sometimes when she sensed herself becoming upset, she would ask to go to her quiet spot.
7. Music
You can incorporate this with the quiet spot or use it alone. Give the child some headphones to listen to some calming music or children's songs. While a child is having a tantrum it is difficult for them to stop it and break out of their mood. The music automatically changes the mood and the headphones shut out the outside environment.
8. Using quiet voices
I find that if I am raising my voice or yelling in attempt to get the tantrum to stop, it only escalates things. It seems totally unnatural when you have a screaming and crying child to speak in a quiet voice, but it does help by not adding fuel to the fire.
9. Talk it out
This works better with older children. I use this one with my twins who are almost 4. Sometimes the fit will start so suddenly that I have no idea what caused it. When that happens, I will take the child to another room, sit them on my lap and ask them why they are upset. When they tell me, I ask "what can I do to make you feel better?" I think it helps them to have a say in the solution. Sometimes the answer is a kiss, other times it's an apology from a sibling.
10. Walk away
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, nothing works. I have found that occasionally the best thing to do is nothing. Walk away and ignore. This is the hardest of all the options because it's agonizing to listen to your child be so upset. When I have walked away and stopped giving attention, I have noticed that within a few minutes (2-10 or longer depending on how strong willed the child is) the child will stop and join the rest of the family.
Do these 10 ways to stop a tantrum always work to stop the whining and crying? No. If you have a technique that always works please let me know! Heck, even if you have a tantrum stopping technique that only works some of the time, let me know in the comments below. Every child is different. What works for one may not work for another. Try a few of these tips and see which your child responds to best. Good luck and remember when in the midst of a tantrum, this too shall pass.
Here are my favorite parenting books which contain great advice for dealing with tantrums:
Happiest Toddler on the Block
1,2,3 Magic
The Emotional Life of the Toddler
Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child
Boundaries with Kids
Don't forget to check out Part 2 - 10 MORE Ways to Stop a Tantrum with advice from our readers!
*No child was harmed in the writing of this post. The photo above of my youngest was taken when she was told that she could not have a third refill of juice.
If you enjoy reading about how to stop a tantrum you'll love:
10 Tips for Surviving the Terrible Twos
Stop Sibling Conflict Before it Starts
Our Delightful Home
This is a very informative post. Thanks for sharing!
Mrs. Delightful
http://www.ourdelightfulhome.blogspot.com
gigi
good ones..thanks for sharing
[email protected], toddlers, and preschoolers, Oh My!
i love all your ideas! but i have found number 10 to work the best! I have a daycare and when my own kids or my daycare children choose to have a tantrum I will say 'its ok to be angry and mad but its not ok to do it where we are playing so I am going to move you to a safe spot'. Once they realize no one is watching and they are missing out, they stop quickly to come back and join! we also do a candle blowing technique that works well and usually brings out the giggles!
Vanessa
I will never forget the first time our oldest had a full blown temper tantrum {he was two}. He laid down right in the middle of the hallway and started kicking his feet and screaming. I left him right there, walked right over his kicking legs and got busy doing something in the kitchen...that was the last time he ever did that again. I guess he realized that it wasn't any fun if he wasn't going to get any attention for it.
Jessica.B
I found this through Pinterest. Thank you so much for sharing! My son has been having frequent tantrums and this post gives me more options to try to help with them 🙂 TY again!
-Jessica
http://mommiesblog2011.blogspot.com/
Toni @ SugarTart_Crafts
Yep, we go through almost all of those on a daily basis around here. As soon as my daughter hears me say ONE in that tone, she immediately yells "Stop counting at me! No counting!" It kinda goes against our no screaming rule, but at least she knows she's doing something naughty. The funniest thing is that when she is having a full blown tantrum she actually starts repeating in between the sobs "I. need. to. calm. down." and then starts counting to 10 and breathing. Quite hilarious, but effective.
Tatum
I'm not a morning person so don't have the patience for 1-9 when I'm trying to get everyone out the door, but number 10 works like a charm. I just keep getting myself ready while he yells. Just have to shut baby's door, or else you end up with two screaming kids.
DHardt
Usually taking something away or getting my daughter to breath works. When all else fails and she has just decided to be angry then she gets to be that way but she has to be in her room. At 3 she knows that if she slams the door then she'll have to practice it ten times before she can just go in her room. Sometimes even adults are mad and just need time to be angry before they can get over what is upsetting them. All of these are really great suggestions!
small + friendly
Great suggestions! We just hit the tantrum phase hard and these suggestions are bound to be helpful!
Vicky
@ Our Delightful Home, thanks so much for the visit!
@ Gigi, hope it helps.
@Jill, would love to hear more about your candle blowing activity. Sounds like it falls along the lines of deep breathing and distraction.
@ Vanessa, it is so hard to ignore but sometimes it does the trick.
@ Jessica, welcome from Pinterest! Hope you will find the hints helpful. Please come back and visit as we have lots of great activities for kids your sons age.
@ Toni, sounds like she knows all the tricks. My daughter would be so proud when she would stop the unwanted behavior at 1 or 2.
@ Tatum, My husband suggested number 10 so he will be quite proud.
@ DHardt, thanks for visiting. Lets just say we've had a lot of practice in this area.
Vicky
@ Small + Friendly, I hope it is short lived for you!
Alphabet Summer Kits
Thanks for the tips! I will be needing them since the terrible two's are approaching me quickly!
Pat Wolf
Numbers 5 & 10 seem to work well for my 6 yr old grandson. He's a little old for tantrums, but because of his life situation he has a LOT to be upset about. I've tried 2 with some success, but I'd really like to try 4 and 6. 9 helps also. Pat Wolf
School Sparks Renee
These are terrific tips. We've all been there! Renee
Melanie
We haven't tried all of these yet (my son is only 21 months so the tantrums aren't horrible yet) but we do count when he needs to calm down or is in time out. Not only does it calm him down but he has also learned to count to 10!
One other thing that works for me is having my son look at me. It forces him to calm down and open his eyes enough to look me in the eyes and I may or may not be making a funny face at him when he opens his eyes.
Debs- Learn with Play @ home
haha, despite this being a tantrum post, i couldn't help laugh (no kids were harmed..haha) and agree. We'll try almost anything sometimes to get them to calm down... especially if it's in public! This is a great list for people.
ravfamily
great post, thanks!
we've been battling mini-tantrums for coming up to a year and they're starting to ramp up on the approach to 2. So far I have found ignoring her when it first starts often does the trick but if she battles on through then, similar to your 'quiet voice' I whisper in her ear and she often quietens down so she can hear what I'm saying and I can soothe her out of it. Not looking forward to full-blown tantrums though!
JDaniel4's Mom
I love all your ideas! We have tried many of them. Sometimes just holding my guy until hwe calmed down helped.
Karr
All great ideas! I am a mom who has older girls (27 and 21) and now a 3 yr old. Mid life hit us in a hard way lol (SURPRISE!) My older girls werent tantrum throwers but our little one is. She didnt start her until she was closer to 3 than 2 but wow they are impressive. Our calm down is silly putty. Quiet, in the highchair (now only used for sillyputty and playdoh) for some reason it seems to really calm her, that repetitive pulling and smooooshing. I have absolutely found that getting down to her level and looking in the eyes talking calm helps most of the time and when it doesnt its time out time. Thanks for sharing the info!
Mandy
I've used tham all! We are now trying to teach our son (29 months) to calm himself down. When he throws a fit (or preferably when I see one coming on) I look him in the eye and in a quiet voice say "Fold your hands and calm down." If it isn't too bad of a tantrum I fold his hands firmly and start breathing deep loudly, occasionally going "sshhhhh", as he relaxes I relax my grip on his hands. If it is a full out tantrum I sit and hug him tightly then do the breathing and shushing. He is very quickly learning to do it on his own and calms down pretty quick. When he is calm I smile at him for a bit and just stay quiet before reentering whatever we were doing. While at feeding therapy today (he is special needs) we had to do this and his therapist said she has never seen a kid relax so completely intenionally before.
Melissa Allen
My husband's great-grandmother taught us another one. If one of the kiddos around is throwing a fit and crying, she very calmly says, "Oh, let me catch some of those tears." she'll get a tiny spoon and put it up to their cheek. This calms them down so quickly because they're enthralled with looking at their tears.
Melissa Martin
Sorry, but number 10 is a horrible idea when you are in public. I have watched many a mom do this. One time I watched a man walk up and pick the kid up. I followed him, then heard the mother screaming where is my kid. Turns out dad took the kid to teach mom a lesson. ANYONE could have taken that child, it only takes a second and they are gone. Leaving your child is a horrible option in this day and age!!!!
Vicky
@ Alphabet Summer Kits, ah the terrible 2's. We know them well.
@ Pat, sorry things are so tough for your grandson. Hope things get better.
@ Renee, so true. It is a season of a mother's life.
@ Melanie, eye contact is SO important and sometimes really helps to break a child out of that "spell" of a tantrum.
@ Debs, yes everything is out the window in public. I mean you can't very well walk away! But we have done time outs in public when they have hit a sibling or something like that.
@ ravfamily, LOVE your whispering idea. I bet that would be an effective tool to use.
@ JDaniel, Yes, a tight hug works wonders. I think it would calm me down as well. Thanks for the kind words.
@ Karr, thank you for the supportive words. What a helpful suggestion for the silly putty. That does sound calming and I will be trying it.
@ Mandy, can I just say how impressed I am with you teaching your son how to calm himself down. Thanks so much for sharing your helpful comment so other moms can be inspired!
@ Melissa Allen, This is the cutest thing I have heard and I can totally see how it would stop a tantrum dead in it's tracks.
@ Melissa Martin, Thank you so much for your comment. You make an excellent point and I certainly would NEVER suggest leaving your child in public. I agree that is just horrific. Most of my suggestions like going to a quiet spot, listening to music were meant to take place at home just like the walking away option. I am so glad you shared your experience so that if anyone had the awful idea of leaving their child in public, they would think again. I hope there are more sensible parents like us in the world who would never do such a thing.
Anonymous
I work in a daycare at a high school, so new people are coming and going. Sometimes its hard to get the kids to listen when they aren't consistently watched or redirected. The distraction works. I have found, preferably a younger child, say "shh, Do you hear that?" like there is a siren or something. After they have quieted I say do you hear the tickle monster?! And then tickle them.
Anonymous
i dont know if this works for everyone but when me and my sister were kids my mom would get on the floor and throw a temper tantrum right next to us, it surprised us so much and embarrassed us we stopped.
Anonymous
These are great! You know, I'm 27 but I vividly remember being 5 and 6 years old and throwing small tantrums. My grandmother was so wise and would make me sit in a comfy chair in the corner of my room with the door shut. She said if you don't give a child an audience they usually get over whatever it was much quicker, and I did! I never had to sit in that chair more than five minutes before I was done and apologizing to her!
Paula Kuitenbrouwer
Be aware..sometimes it is hypoglycaemia. A banana or a sandwich will transform instantly tantrum to delightful.
Anonymous
I don't have small children any longer but I certainly agree with Anonymous who said to spank the fanny works wonders. You should not be subjected to having to battle a tantrum from a small child, there is no reason for it, and that is no way to enjoy your life. My children didn't throw tantrums but did know they were loved.
Anonymous
Children often tantrum because they have learned they ultimately gain something by engaging in the behavior. By providing them with a hug, tickles, another activity/toy or even by trying to talk them into calming down, you are increasing the likelihood of future tantrums, even if it seems to work at the time. If you tell a child "no" once and ignore all subsequent tantruming, he/she will learn that there is no payoff in throwing a tantrum, and eventually (not right away), the behavior will decrease. If you keep it consistent, kids will learn it's not worth their effort to throw a fit! Basic behavior analysis principles at work 🙂
Vicky
Thanks for all the comments! I'd love to respond to you all but there are 6 Anonymous comments here so I can't reply to who sent them. So glad to see all the opinions and discourse. Thanks for visiting!
Anonymous
Sometimes our little ones don't have the words to express what they feel so they show us, yikes. The distraction deserves to be the number one spot. Thanks. Also think about sining. The song can be silly and this may get the child sining and breathing. This will slow down the tears. Remember we have to display calm behavior when stressed so our kids will know what it looks like.
Brenners
Thanks for this. You'd think that after 7 1/2 years of parenting toddlers and presschoolers, I'd remember these, but somehow, in the middle of the heated moment, I forget neraly EVERYtime. I find my stress level rising to the point of yelling at the child to "PLEASE BE QUIET!!!!" Which of course, then makes them scream even more and then we're both stressed to our limits.
We're having a terrible summer of bickering, screaming, and throwing fits. I have a feeling that my attitude toward these problems only feeds them. So thank you for the reminder that it is not hopeless, and I do not need to move to the North Pole far away from my kids. 😛
Anonymous
My oldest son is developementally delayed...he was born 13 weeks early and has had many difficulties in his life. He was the Tantrum King...I chose to ignore him...sending him to his room to "cry it out"...What finally worked with us was I started getting out the video camera. Without making fun of him or teasing I would simply state why he was throwing his fit, i.e. "He didn't get a movie when we went to Walmart" and then I would turn the camera on him. I would silently video him. This only took about 5 or 6 times and then he STOPPED. He is now a teenager and we have a hilarious video tape of him throwing fits. I do not recommend this as a way to torture or ridicule...but often we would watch the video once he calmed down and we would talk about how silly he was to be throwing himself around kicking and crying like that. It worked for us, hope it helps someone else!!
Anonymous
Another way I've found that helps kids when I work at camps is to give a kid a dixie cup of water. Tell them to drink the whole thing at one time. You can't cry when you're drinking water. By the time the cup is empty, they are no longer upset.
Sarah
I personally subscribe to the belief that in most cases, a tantrum is a heart-issue related to self control. I spank, and she sits in her room afterwards - I decide how long because I've been given the authority, not her.
All that said, if you have repeat issues with tantrums, especially with more than one child in the same family, you might want to look into a food allergy such as gluten. A diet change could significantly lessen the stress on your child's body and help a lot with behavior issues.
Alishia Owens
I have a 2 year old with a princess attitude. She is very strong willed and challenges me on just about everything. If she doesn't win, she starts a tantrum. Sometimes counting to three helps, and it is so cute when she says "no mommy, don't say three".
Also, we do the deep breaths. Usually, we take two or three (until I get her to stop crying) and then we talk out the problem. I stumbled onto this from Pinterest and am so glad to see some other tips!
Anonymous
I think the most effective method is to completely ignore tantrums. Don't say a word, Turn your head away, or turn away, or walk away. It's OK to watch out of the corner of your eye. When the kid gets it under control, then give the kid lots of praise for their big girl or boy self-control. Also give lots of positive attention when a kid is behaving.
autumn moth
We had a melt down just yesterday when he accidentally closed nickjr.com and could not find the link to re open it. A screeching, screaming, wailing, crying melt down. It lasted over 10 minutes. At the onset, I got down to his level and told him that "if the computer has made you so upset, I think it's time for it to go to bed," and I promptly shut it down. Of course this did nothing to quell the screaming, but I needed him to know that I wasn't going to "fix the computer" if he was screaming about it. Then I tried breathing (this usually works with him), I moved to tickling (it's his favorite), I stepped outside (only to watch him beat his head on the storm door). When I came back inside I got back down on the floor, told him it was okay to be angry, but he was done with the computer for the day. I then turned my back on him, grabbed his crayons and started coloring in his coloring book (I didn't invite him to play with me).... after a few minutes he calmed down and came over to color too. I told him that I like to play with him when he isn't so angry. he said "I'm okay, I'm happy." BUT WOW it was exhausting just watching him for a while. Thanks for reminding us to keep trying and try something new if a, b and c aren't working.
Ashley
I have to say as a daycare provider and mother of a strong willed six year old ignoring tantrums seems to be the best way. I've seen parents try to "distract" their kids by offering this or that but it comes off more of a bribe. Mom or dad is fawning all over them in order to get them to stop but the attention the child is getting fuels the desire to continue having tantrums. My son is sent to his room to calm down when he throws a fit. He knows that when he is cooled off and ready to talk like the "big kid" he is then he can come out and join us. It gives him a chance to think about the words he's trying to say that may have a hard time being expressed when he's so riled up. We usually sit together for a minute afterwards to talk about the problem or discuss reasons for why what he wanted can't or won't be happening.
Gabrielle Scott
I don't completely recommend all of the techniques by Dr. Harvey Carp in Happiest Toddler on the Block, but what I do really agree with is when any human, adult or child, is very angry and having a strong emotional surge, our ability to listen and reason is pretty much turned off. This is why offering bribes, yelling back, trying to reason, etc simply doesn't work right at the beginning of the tantrum. You have to wait until the rhythm of the screaming/crying slows before attempting to move in with an intervention.
Anonymous
My niece responds beautifully to "take three deep breaths, (if she still can't breath from crying take three more) now what's wrong?" of it's something that can't be 'fixed' you explain why you said no or took away the toy etc. but most of the time it's just her hungry or tired or you forgot you said she could look at something before you leave the store etc. Treating a child like they are capable of thinking helps them understand that there are different ways to express themselves then screaming and crying.
My neice was 4 before I started using this technique, before that we used ignoring, counting to three and time outs. Thank you for the advice 🙂 I hope this will help when I have my own kids.
Anonymous
When my daughter was about 5 (she's 33 now) she thought she would throw a tantrum in the kitchen. I was doing dishes at the time and she was lying on the floor kicking and screaming. I filled a cup with cold water and turned around and just poured it over her. Never had another tantrum after that.
Anonymous
if it's in a store and we know there is going to be a tantram we will tell them we will leave the store and go home this has helped me for then they know tantram's are unaccepted in public. my children now are from 34 to 24 years of age. went to a store and they hear children just screaming they have told me thank you for what you did.
Anonymous
My daughter is 22 months and so far only the distraction tip has worked on her, sometime. Her tantrums are getting work and nothing else has worked yet, fingers crossed maybe more will work after the 24 month period.
Bron
I was looking after a 2 year old for a year, and she would frequently try throwing tantrums to get what she wanted, which was most often something she wasn't allowed or was not good for her. The one time she started screaming and stamping her feet. It may be an unorthodox solution, but I jumped right in and started stamping my feet and shaking my head and saying "No it's not fair! I don't want to give it to you". She got so confused she just stared at me with big eyes and said "No don't do that" and her own tantrum was forgotten. It wouldn't work again because the shock factor was most effective, but she hardly threw any more tantrums after that.
Anonymous
I somewhat agree with a previous comment about how the distraction technique can sometimes come off as a bribe if not done correctly. It is not the time to use toys or snacks to calm the child down because that will just reinforce the behavior. What I like is a thing I found on Pinterest the glitter jar. Where you basically end up with a snow globe type jar that you shake up and have the child sit still and quite watching the glitter until everything has settled. You can adjust how long it takes by how much glitter you add in. It gives them something else to focus on without rewarding the behavior.
Vicky
Melissa Martin, Thank you so much for your comment. You make an excellent point and I certainly would NEVER suggest leaving your child in public. I agree that is just horrific. Most of my suggestions like going to a quiet spot, listening to music were meant to take place at home just like the walking away option. I am so glad you shared your experience so that if anyone had the awful idea of leaving their child in public, they would think again. I hope there are more sensible parents like us in the world who would never do such a thing.
Kylie @ Octavia and Vicky
Oh yeah, sometimes there is just NOTHING that will work except walking away. My husband and I learnt that just recently with our toddler, poor little vegemite.
Anonymous
Thanks for posting this! I think we've tried almost all of these tactics, I have one... My daughter is almost three and if she goes into a total tantrum, I tell her how much it hurts me to see her so upset, and ask her if she likes to see mommy sad, almost suddenly she stops in her tract and says, no mommy, how about a hug? 🙂 maybe its wrong to do the "guilt trip" tactic but it works ??
Anonymous
I'm a new grandma and saw this on one of my younger friend's Facebook posts. It reminds me when my now 34 year old daughter was about two years old. She was on the floor, kicking, screaming, and raising a ruckus. I was really worried and asked my husband what was wrong with her. He calmly turned to me and said, "She's having a temper tantrum." Silly me! It was the first time she had done this and once it had a label I felt much better! Wish we had the internet back in my day for sharing of our ideas!
Anonymous
I am the mother second time around raising my sons girls...the first time a temper tantrum starts walk over to the sink and get a big glass of cold water or a tea cup and splash it in their face. No more tantrum and when the next starts just walk over and turn the water on...tantrum will immediately stop...My father would do this because with 6 kids it could get out of hand...all six of us are highly successful. You should not engage or look at the child who is throwing the tantrum because then you become part of the problem...my girls are 6 and 7 now and have had no tantrums in 5 years...
Debra Faught
My two year old is very strong willed. What seems to work best with him is going to wherever he is throwing his fit (if I try and pick him up and bring him somewhere else he fights, HARD!), sit down next to him, and calmly tell him that if he will just talk to mommy, I will do everything I can to help him. Also after I've said this to him, sometimes he doesn't want to talk, so I ask him if he trusts me to take care of him, that usually gets him to calm down and tell me what's wrong
Ludicrous Mama
I do #'s 2 and 3 a little differently. I let her rage to the count of 5 (or cry for 1 minute, if she's been legitimately upset/hurt,) then she can finish in her room. It isn't a PUNISHMENT (time-out.) It's to let her "cool down" in a safe place. The rest of the house is "everybody rooms," and she needs to use her "everybody-room-voice" in those rooms. But she can scream and rage and cry in her room all she wants. I offer to help her calm down by urging deep breathing, or by attempting distraction first, then offer to help her get to her room to finish if it didn't work.
And instead of "If you don't stop you'll LOSE ___" I change it to, "Oh no! I was really looking forward to ___, but now it looks like we won't have time, since you're choosing to scream instead." Or "This screaming is really using up my energy. I don't think I'll have enough energy to go to/do ____ with you. So sad. I know you were really looking forward to it. Oh well. Maybe next time you'll make a different choice."
I don't feel it's fair to punish her for her inability to self-soothe. It's my job to help give her the tools, and consistently remind her how to use them. When she's 20, I won't be there to take away privileges. So showing her what she's missing to help encourage her to calm down helps motivate her to make the choice herself.
Another trick I use is to offer water to help her "cool down." I had read somewhere not to comfort with food, since then they can become "comfort eaters" and eat to soothe their feelings. But water is good for you, and the act of drinking requires them to calm down so they don't choke. Plus it IS cooling and refreshing. And I can give her a logical reason for it ("helps cool you down") rather than just using it to distract her. Then I can use milk or juice, or even soda, depending where we are and what's on-hand, and she doesn't link THEM with comfort, just the act of drinking.
Diana - FreeStyleMama
These are great tips and I appreciate you sharing them! I am not sure what we did right, but my kids were never much for tantrums. And we ignored the few they threw.
Anne Kimball
Hi Vicky, I’m Anne from Life on the Funny Farm (http://annesfunnyfarm.blogspot.com), and I’m visiting from the Kids Activities Blog Hop.
These are great tips. You were wise to point out that what works for one might not work for another, but you gave a wonderful resource for people to pick and choose what works for them and their child. This Mom of six ives it two thumbs up!
Anyway, thanks for posting this. If you’ve never visited yet, I hope you can pop by my blog sometime to say hi…
Vicky @ Mess For Less
Thank you Anne, your words mean a lot. I am sure you have some amazing advice to share also. Love your blog, BTW.
Megan Damron
Distraction usually works for my little ones too, but for those tough to break tantrums I'll have to try some of this out.
Anonymous
I taught 3-yr-olds in a pre-k program, and my most effective temper tantrum tool was the Care Bears! Funshine Bear is the happy bear, and Grumpy Bear is obviously, grumpy. When my little ones would get upset I would give them the grumpy bear and we'd "sit for a minute" with them in my lap. When they got happy the would put grumpy down and pick up happy until they were ready to go play. It got to where several of my students would come to me and say, "Miss B, I need to sit for a minute" or "I'm a grumpy bear" and they didn't need to hold a bear to tell me how they felt. I hope this tactic works on my own little boy when he gets that age!
Amylynn0413
Put the screaming child in front of a mirror and get them to look at themselves and how they are acting. This method works within a few seconds. This one my mother used on me when I was a young child and it was extremely effective.
Amylynn0413
Put the screaming child in front of a mirror and get them to look at themselves and how they look while having a tantrum can pull them out of a tantrum. This was extremely effective on my little sister and me when we were toddlers; it doesn't take long for a child to stop having a fit.
Jeanette Torres
I gotta try the quiet spot. It's so hard with my son. My daughter is easier because her feelings get hurt and she apologizes with a hug, but my son is another story.
Jessica Feliciano
Hi, thank you so much for all these ideas and the ones in the comments. Loved the spoon one, too cute, I have a cryer in my class, she'll cry for nearly anything.
The one with the breathing and calming down, and distracting with the noise and tickle monster are my favorite for my 3-year-old whom is not in my class but today he called me "His friend" because I give him the time of day he so desperately wants, that made my day.
I love these, you should add the ones in the comments to this blog.
I'm sharing this with my boss and co-workers. It's awesome!
Wandering Madman
try throwing your own fake tantrum(something my ex used to do). It usually shocks them into silence and shows them what they look like doing it.
Hilda Flores
Thank you very much for your tips. My daughter Camila is going to the daycare and I guess she sees kids doing them anytime and now she is starting. So far im either talking yo her very quietly or giving her some space while I do other things, since she gets no attention she stops very quickly but yhe rest of them look like a good option if she continues to do so....
Cherusha Davies
have a little sister that throws fits a lot. The worst thing is that she is teaching the baby to through fits too. We have tried a lot of these and they don't seem to work with her. Except for 10 that is the one that we resort to most often but as you said it doesn't work in public. I hadn't herd of some of these. am going to try them thanks for this list it will make it a lot easier to babysit.
Rachel Margolis
Our son has to go in his room if he's going to throw a tantrum, and he is allowed to yell and cry as much as he wants in his room to get the feelings out. Within about 5 minutes me back out, and we can sit down and find out why he was so upset. I usually try to avoid a tantrum, but when he's sleepy or hungry, sometimes, you just gotta get the angst out! We also will use a time-in when he's getting wound up ready for a tantrum. He has to find a book, and a quiet spot and read his book as slow as he can. He thinks it a game and it gives him 10 min of quiet time to calm down.
Vicky @ Mess For Less
Thanks Cherusha, Hope they help!
Vicky @ Mess For Less
Thanks Rachel, I like that idea especially because it doesn't disturb other members of the household. My other kids don't want to listen to screaming and crying. Thanks for sharing!
Ashley
Numbers 5, 6 and 8 are the best for my almost 5 year old autistic nephew
Vicky
Thanks for sharing Ashley. It can be tricky to find things that work.
Erin
As my son is getting a little bit older, I often find that it helps with his tantrums/ meltdowns to figure out what it is he needs or wants. Sometimes, it's simply because he's really hungry, and we're fine once we get something to eat. Other times, it's as simple as helping him figure out what he actually wants. Other times, who knows! But, trying to figure it out with him seems to help a lot.
Full Spectrum Mama
Children with sensory processing differences and/or autism might find the quiet place most helpful: what looks like tantrums for them are really MELTDOWNS - a very different thing. Thanks for all the tips!!
Full Spectrum Mama
Jessica
My 4 year-old daughter has always had, and still has, crying/tantrum episodes every single day. it’s humiliating. Bedtime is so stressful EVERY DAY! And this is not the only time she is out of control.
I have tried it all; routine, stories, positive reinforcement, games, etc, etc., still, nothing works. We can't figure it out...we would appreciate your input...I'm all ears!!! Thanks!!
Jennifer
My baby is already 6 years old, but I can remember tantrum horror like it was yesterday. I had some advice from my mother; my favorite was time-outs...sparingly. Depending on the child, using a time-out occasionally, beginning at about the age of 18 months, may help her manage feelings better when she has a tantrum. A time-out can be helpful when your child's tantrum is especially intense and other techniques aren't working.
Placing your child in a quiet, or – better yet – boring spot for a brief period (about one minute per year of his age) can be a good lesson in self-soothing.
Nosch
Hi there Vicky
I just posted something about Toddler Tantrums yesterday, and later came across your blog post on pinterest.
Its really nice, detailed and crisp.
I would appreciate if you can go through my post about Toddler Tantrums and give your feedback too. Thank you 🙂
http://adesimomsblog.com/toddler-tantrums-real/
Regards
Katy
This tips are good worked so well with my first son. Now he is 5 and he does not throw tantrums anymore. If he is sad or upset he will just come and tell me and we will find a solution together. Now my 14 months old son is the one nothing in the tips helped. He gets mad for anything and what make it worst, when he is mad he hit his head with anything around him. He hits it very hard on floor tile. Or corners of the wall. If nothing hard around him to do it he will hold into my knee or my shoulder to hit his head.I try to talk to him. Distructed him with something else. It not working. Only if I pick him up. I can't just keep holding him up. All day long I got thing to do. What should I do
Vicky
Katy, how wonderful that your 5 year old is so in touch with his feelings that he can come and talk to you. Sorry to hear about the struggle with your younger son. Maybe find a place for him when he gets very upset that will be safe (lots of soft things, pillows). My kids start the "terrible twos" phase long before their second birthday. Here are some tips that helped with my daughter when she turned 18 months. https://www.messforless.net/10-tips-for-surviving-terrible-twos/ Hope this helps.
Lyn
I really found this post helpful. Ever since my daughter turned 3 she is like a complete stranger. She is so moody, she cries over EVERYTHING! Me and my husband came up with the idea a crying chair. It's in the living room where we normally hang, so she didn't feel abandoned, but not a place she normally sits, so it's a removal of sorts from the familiar. Sometimes the tantrum continues after being asked to sit in the crying chair, but most of the time she is nearly finished before she's even gotten to the chair and then she calmly asks if she still needs to sit there. I tell her if she's done she can come back and keep playing/eating/whatever. She's a very sensitive kid and she doesn't like being asked to sit apart from the rest of the family.
Andrea
I'm a teacher in a cognitively impaired K-2 classroom. I have a little guy who though 5, is developmentally entering the terrible twos/ horrible 3's. What helps when he starts to meltdown is for me to the exaggerated fake cry...works like magic as he becomes empathetic and tries to make me happy and so forgets whatever he was about to tantrum about (I.e. Distraction) lol
Vi
That's very good idea.I use this trick at homeschooling,when the kid started to give up like writing the boring letters or not writing nice letters and I correct it,I always joking with the letters,like that letter flew away,that one squished,or fall on a rock...If the kids want the same thing,I try to offer one of them something,if not working,than I try to stop the fight.
kate
cool info! Learned some stuff I didn't even know yet. I share similar ways in my blog for parenting, If your interested take a look at other ways to stop tantrums on my blog here 🙂 calmtoddlertempertantrums.com
MARILYNNE SCHENCK
i like that idea. When my timmy started a tantrum, I invited all my children to come and watch a get a good laugh. Hence no more tantrums. Negative attention