Are you looking for parenting tips to help you raise your toddler? Here are 10 Ways to Stop a Tantrum that I have found effective. What are tantrums? Merriam-Webster defines tantrum as a "fit of bad temper". All children have them. I know plenty of adults who have a "fit of bad temper" as well on occasion.
When you come to Mess For Less and get ideas for kids crafts and activities, you will see lots of photos of my happy and engaged children. If you don't know us personally, you might think things are always like that at my house. That is far from the truth.
We deal with our fair share of meltdowns and temper tantrums. If you have a child of any age then chances are you have dealt with a tantrum or two as well. My kids are prone to them and some days are worse than others. You might also find How to Prepare a Toddler for a New Baby helpful.
If you would like to purchase books that have helped me stop a tantrum, there is a list at the end of this post.
Ways to Stop a Tantrum
From a child's perspective, what are temper tantrums good for? Clearly, tantrums allow children to express their frustrations, but they are also a way for children to get attention. With that in mind, here are some tips and techniques we have used (in no particular order) to help stop a tantrum and restore calm to the household. You will notice many of them involve diverting a child's attention.
1. Distraction
This is a pretty easy one to employ and it works great for those times a child is upset because you won't give them something they want. "I have to tell you/show you something!" I'll say in a very excited voice. Often, that's enough to stop the tears and pique their interest.
2. Counting
We used to think my daughter B could not control her temper and outbursts. I would often think "poor kid, she can't help it." When she would be having a fit about something (she didn't get the color cup she wanted at lunch) we started counting to three and told her that if we got to three, she would go to time out. She did not want to go to time out and so she would stop crying. It would be pretty funny to see this kid going from full blown fit to quiet. It looks like maybe she could control her outbursts after all. Hmmmm...
3. Removing an item or privilege
In the midst of a meltdown, we say that we are going to take away something the child enjoys unless they can calm down. For example, "If you don't calm down and stop yelling then we will not go to the park later." Often the fear of losing something enjoyable can get kids back on track.
4. Deep breathing
Sometimes my daughters get so worked up about something that they forget to breathe and need to be reminded to do so. During calmer times, I have taught my kids how to take deep breaths and we will often do them together during a tantrum. This usually helps stop the crying and screaming on the part of the child, and truth be told, helps the parent calm down as well.
5. Tight Hugs
This goes hand in hand with the deep breathing. I find that a tight hug makes my child feel safe and they will often collapse into me since they are exhausted from the tantrum.
6. Quiet Spot
When one of my daughters was having frequent and severe tantrums, we established a "quiet spot" for her. We used a pack and play with pillows and a stuffed animal in it. Another option is a cozy corner in another room away from the action. Some pillows and stuffed animals help to diffuse the situation. We would let my daughter tell us when she was ready to come out. Sometimes when she sensed herself becoming upset, she would ask to go to her quiet spot.
7. Music
You can incorporate this with the quiet spot or use it alone. Give the child some headphones to listen to some calming music or children's songs. While a child is having a tantrum it is difficult for them to stop it and break out of their mood. The music automatically changes the mood and the headphones shut out the outside environment.
8. Using quiet voices
I find that if I am raising my voice or yelling in attempt to get the tantrum to stop, it only escalates things. It seems totally unnatural when you have a screaming and crying child to speak in a quiet voice, but it does help by not adding fuel to the fire.
9. Talk it out
This works better with older children. I use this one with my twins who are almost 4. Sometimes the fit will start so suddenly that I have no idea what caused it. When that happens, I will take the child to another room, sit them on my lap and ask them why they are upset. When they tell me, I ask "what can I do to make you feel better?" I think it helps them to have a say in the solution. Sometimes the answer is a kiss, other times it's an apology from a sibling.
10. Walk away
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, nothing works. I have found that occasionally the best thing to do is nothing. Walk away and ignore. This is the hardest of all the options because it's agonizing to listen to your child be so upset. When I have walked away and stopped giving attention, I have noticed that within a few minutes (2-10 or longer depending on how strong willed the child is) the child will stop and join the rest of the family.
Do these 10 ways to stop a tantrum always work to stop the whining and crying? No. If you have a technique that always works please let me know! Heck, even if you have a tantrum stopping technique that only works some of the time, let me know in the comments below. Every child is different. What works for one may not work for another. Try a few of these tips and see which your child responds to best. Good luck and remember when in the midst of a tantrum, this too shall pass.
Here are my favorite parenting books which contain great advice for dealing with tantrums:
Happiest Toddler on the Block
1,2,3 Magic
The Emotional Life of the Toddler
Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child
Boundaries with Kids
Don't forget to check out Part 2 - 10 MORE Ways to Stop a Tantrum with advice from our readers!
*No child was harmed in the writing of this post. The photo above of my youngest was taken when she was told that she could not have a third refill of juice.
If you enjoy reading about how to stop a tantrum you'll love:
10 Tips for Surviving the Terrible Twos
Vicky says
Thanks for all the comments! I'd love to respond to you all but there are 6 Anonymous comments here so I can't reply to who sent them. So glad to see all the opinions and discourse. Thanks for visiting!
Anonymous says
Children often tantrum because they have learned they ultimately gain something by engaging in the behavior. By providing them with a hug, tickles, another activity/toy or even by trying to talk them into calming down, you are increasing the likelihood of future tantrums, even if it seems to work at the time. If you tell a child "no" once and ignore all subsequent tantruming, he/she will learn that there is no payoff in throwing a tantrum, and eventually (not right away), the behavior will decrease. If you keep it consistent, kids will learn it's not worth their effort to throw a fit! Basic behavior analysis principles at work 🙂
Anonymous says
I don't have small children any longer but I certainly agree with Anonymous who said to spank the fanny works wonders. You should not be subjected to having to battle a tantrum from a small child, there is no reason for it, and that is no way to enjoy your life. My children didn't throw tantrums but did know they were loved.
Paula Kuitenbrouwer says
Be aware..sometimes it is hypoglycaemia. A banana or a sandwich will transform instantly tantrum to delightful.
Anonymous says
These are great! You know, I'm 27 but I vividly remember being 5 and 6 years old and throwing small tantrums. My grandmother was so wise and would make me sit in a comfy chair in the corner of my room with the door shut. She said if you don't give a child an audience they usually get over whatever it was much quicker, and I did! I never had to sit in that chair more than five minutes before I was done and apologizing to her!
Anonymous says
i dont know if this works for everyone but when me and my sister were kids my mom would get on the floor and throw a temper tantrum right next to us, it surprised us so much and embarrassed us we stopped.
Anonymous says
I work in a daycare at a high school, so new people are coming and going. Sometimes its hard to get the kids to listen when they aren't consistently watched or redirected. The distraction works. I have found, preferably a younger child, say "shh, Do you hear that?" like there is a siren or something. After they have quieted I say do you hear the tickle monster?! And then tickle them.
Vi says
That's very good idea.I use this trick at homeschooling,when the kid started to give up like writing the boring letters or not writing nice letters and I correct it,I always joking with the letters,like that letter flew away,that one squished,or fall on a rock...If the kids want the same thing,I try to offer one of them something,if not working,than I try to stop the fight.
Vicky says
@ Alphabet Summer Kits, ah the terrible 2's. We know them well.
@ Pat, sorry things are so tough for your grandson. Hope things get better.
@ Renee, so true. It is a season of a mother's life.
@ Melanie, eye contact is SO important and sometimes really helps to break a child out of that "spell" of a tantrum.
@ Debs, yes everything is out the window in public. I mean you can't very well walk away! But we have done time outs in public when they have hit a sibling or something like that.
@ ravfamily, LOVE your whispering idea. I bet that would be an effective tool to use.
@ JDaniel, Yes, a tight hug works wonders. I think it would calm me down as well. Thanks for the kind words.
@ Karr, thank you for the supportive words. What a helpful suggestion for the silly putty. That does sound calming and I will be trying it.
@ Mandy, can I just say how impressed I am with you teaching your son how to calm himself down. Thanks so much for sharing your helpful comment so other moms can be inspired!
@ Melissa Allen, This is the cutest thing I have heard and I can totally see how it would stop a tantrum dead in it's tracks.
@ Melissa Martin, Thank you so much for your comment. You make an excellent point and I certainly would NEVER suggest leaving your child in public. I agree that is just horrific. Most of my suggestions like going to a quiet spot, listening to music were meant to take place at home just like the walking away option. I am so glad you shared your experience so that if anyone had the awful idea of leaving their child in public, they would think again. I hope there are more sensible parents like us in the world who would never do such a thing.
Melissa Martin says
Sorry, but number 10 is a horrible idea when you are in public. I have watched many a mom do this. One time I watched a man walk up and pick the kid up. I followed him, then heard the mother screaming where is my kid. Turns out dad took the kid to teach mom a lesson. ANYONE could have taken that child, it only takes a second and they are gone. Leaving your child is a horrible option in this day and age!!!!
Vicky says
Melissa Martin, Thank you so much for your comment. You make an excellent point and I certainly would NEVER suggest leaving your child in public. I agree that is just horrific. Most of my suggestions like going to a quiet spot, listening to music were meant to take place at home just like the walking away option. I am so glad you shared your experience so that if anyone had the awful idea of leaving their child in public, they would think again. I hope there are more sensible parents like us in the world who would never do such a thing.
Melissa Allen says
My husband's great-grandmother taught us another one. If one of the kiddos around is throwing a fit and crying, she very calmly says, "Oh, let me catch some of those tears." she'll get a tiny spoon and put it up to their cheek. This calms them down so quickly because they're enthralled with looking at their tears.