What are tantrums? Merriam-Webster defines tantrum as a "fit of bad temper". All children have them. I know plenty of adults who have a "fit of bad temper" as well on occasion. Never me. 🙂 When you come to Mess For Less and get ideas for kids crafts and activities, you will see lots of photos of my happy and engaged children. If you don't know us personally, you might think things are always like that at my house. That is far from the truth. We deal with our fair share of meltdowns and temper tantrums. If you have a child of any age then chances are you have dealt with a tantrum or two as well. My kids are prone to them and some days are worse than others. Sometimes it just seems like they just wake up in a bad mood. Ever feel that way? Here are 10 Ways to Stop a Tantrum that I have found effective. You might also find How to Prepare a Toddler for a New Baby helpful.
If you would like to purchase books that have helped me stop a tantrum, there is a list at the end of this post.
Ways to Stop a Tantrum
From a child's perspective, what are temper tantrums good for? Clearly, tantrums allow children to express their frustrations, but they are also a way for children to get attention. With that in mind, here are some tips and techniques we have used (in no particular order) to help stop a tantrum and restore calm to the household. You will notice many of them involve diverting a child's attention.
1. Distraction
This is a pretty easy one to employ and it works great for those times a child is upset because you won't give them something they want. "I have to tell you/show you something!" I'll say in a very excited voice. Often, that's enough to stop the tears and pique their interest.
2. Counting
We used to think my daughter B could not control her temper and outbursts. I would often think "poor kid, she can't help it." When she would be having a fit about something (she didn't get the color cup she wanted at lunch) we started counting to three and told her that if we got to three, she would go to time out. She did not want to go to time out and so she would stop crying. It would be pretty funny to see this kid going from full blown fit to quiet. It looks like maybe she could control her outbursts after all. Hmmmm...
3. Removing an item or privilege
In the midst of a meltdown, we say that we are going to take away something the child enjoys unless they can calm down. For example, "If you don't calm down and stop yelling then we will not go to the park later." Often the fear of losing something enjoyable can get kids back on track.
4. Deep breathing
Sometimes my daughters get so worked up about something that they forget to breathe and need to be reminded to do so. During calmer times, I have taught my kids how to take deep breaths and we will often do them together during a tantrum. This usually helps stop the crying and screaming on the part of the child, and truth be told, helps the parent calm down as well.
5. Tight Hugs
This goes hand in hand with the deep breathing. I find that a tight hug makes my child feel safe and they will often collapse into me since they are exhausted from the tantrum.
6. Quiet Spot
When one of my daughters was having frequent and severe tantrums, we established a "quiet spot" for her. We used a pack and play with pillows and a stuffed animal in it. Another option is a cozy corner in another room away from the action. Some pillows and stuffed animals help to diffuse the situation. We would let my daughter tell us when she was ready to come out. Sometimes when she sensed herself becoming upset, she would ask to go to her quiet spot.
7. Music
You can incorporate this with the quiet spot or use it alone. Give the child some headphones to listen to some calming music or children's songs. While a child is having a tantrum it is difficult for them to stop it and break out of their mood. The music automatically changes the mood and the headphones shut out the outside environment.
8. Using quiet voices
I find that if I am raising my voice or yelling in attempt to get the tantrum to stop, it only escalates things. It seems totally unnatural when you have a screaming and crying child to speak in a quiet voice, but it does help by not adding fuel to the fire.
9. Talk it out
This works better with older children. I use this one with my twins who are almost 4. Sometimes the fit will start so suddenly that I have no idea what caused it. When that happens, I will take the child to another room, sit them on my lap and ask them why they are upset. When they tell me, I ask "what can I do to make you feel better?" I think it helps them to have a say in the solution. Sometimes the answer is a kiss, other times it's an apology from a sibling.
10. Walk away
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, nothing works. I have found that occasionally the best thing to do is nothing. Walk away and ignore. This is the hardest of all the options because it's agonizing to listen to your child be so upset. When I have walked away and stopped giving attention, I have noticed that within a few minutes (2-10 or longer depending on how strong willed the child is) the child will stop and join the rest of the family.
Do these 10 ways to stop a tantrum always work to stop the whining and crying? No. If you have a technique that always works please let me know! Heck, even if you have a tantrum stopping technique that only works some of the time, let me know in the comments below. Every child is different. What works for one may not work for another. Try a few of these tips and see which your child responds to best. Good luck and remember when in the midst of a tantrum, this too shall pass.
Here are my favorite parenting books which contain great advice for dealing with tantrums:
Happiest Toddler on the Block
1,2,3 Magic
The Emotional Life of the Toddler
Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child
Boundaries with Kids
Don't forget to check out Part 2 - 10 MORE Ways to Stop a Tantrum with advice from our readers!
*No child was harmed in the writing of this post. The photo above of my youngest was taken when she was told that she could not have a third refill of juice.
If you enjoy reading about how to stop a tantrum you'll love:
10 Tips for Surviving the Terrible Twos
Stop Sibling Conflict Before it Starts
Anonymous
Thanks for posting this! I think we've tried almost all of these tactics, I have one... My daughter is almost three and if she goes into a total tantrum, I tell her how much it hurts me to see her so upset, and ask her if she likes to see mommy sad, almost suddenly she stops in her tract and says, no mommy, how about a hug? 🙂 maybe its wrong to do the "guilt trip" tactic but it works ??
Kylie @ Octavia and Vicky
Oh yeah, sometimes there is just NOTHING that will work except walking away. My husband and I learnt that just recently with our toddler, poor little vegemite.
Anonymous
I somewhat agree with a previous comment about how the distraction technique can sometimes come off as a bribe if not done correctly. It is not the time to use toys or snacks to calm the child down because that will just reinforce the behavior. What I like is a thing I found on Pinterest the glitter jar. Where you basically end up with a snow globe type jar that you shake up and have the child sit still and quite watching the glitter until everything has settled. You can adjust how long it takes by how much glitter you add in. It gives them something else to focus on without rewarding the behavior.
Bron
I was looking after a 2 year old for a year, and she would frequently try throwing tantrums to get what she wanted, which was most often something she wasn't allowed or was not good for her. The one time she started screaming and stamping her feet. It may be an unorthodox solution, but I jumped right in and started stamping my feet and shaking my head and saying "No it's not fair! I don't want to give it to you". She got so confused she just stared at me with big eyes and said "No don't do that" and her own tantrum was forgotten. It wouldn't work again because the shock factor was most effective, but she hardly threw any more tantrums after that.
Anonymous
My daughter is 22 months and so far only the distraction tip has worked on her, sometime. Her tantrums are getting work and nothing else has worked yet, fingers crossed maybe more will work after the 24 month period.
Anonymous
if it's in a store and we know there is going to be a tantram we will tell them we will leave the store and go home this has helped me for then they know tantram's are unaccepted in public. my children now are from 34 to 24 years of age. went to a store and they hear children just screaming they have told me thank you for what you did.
Anonymous
When my daughter was about 5 (she's 33 now) she thought she would throw a tantrum in the kitchen. I was doing dishes at the time and she was lying on the floor kicking and screaming. I filled a cup with cold water and turned around and just poured it over her. Never had another tantrum after that.
Anonymous
My niece responds beautifully to "take three deep breaths, (if she still can't breath from crying take three more) now what's wrong?" of it's something that can't be 'fixed' you explain why you said no or took away the toy etc. but most of the time it's just her hungry or tired or you forgot you said she could look at something before you leave the store etc. Treating a child like they are capable of thinking helps them understand that there are different ways to express themselves then screaming and crying.
My neice was 4 before I started using this technique, before that we used ignoring, counting to three and time outs. Thank you for the advice 🙂 I hope this will help when I have my own kids.
Gabrielle Scott
I don't completely recommend all of the techniques by Dr. Harvey Carp in Happiest Toddler on the Block, but what I do really agree with is when any human, adult or child, is very angry and having a strong emotional surge, our ability to listen and reason is pretty much turned off. This is why offering bribes, yelling back, trying to reason, etc simply doesn't work right at the beginning of the tantrum. You have to wait until the rhythm of the screaming/crying slows before attempting to move in with an intervention.
Ashley
I have to say as a daycare provider and mother of a strong willed six year old ignoring tantrums seems to be the best way. I've seen parents try to "distract" their kids by offering this or that but it comes off more of a bribe. Mom or dad is fawning all over them in order to get them to stop but the attention the child is getting fuels the desire to continue having tantrums. My son is sent to his room to calm down when he throws a fit. He knows that when he is cooled off and ready to talk like the "big kid" he is then he can come out and join us. It gives him a chance to think about the words he's trying to say that may have a hard time being expressed when he's so riled up. We usually sit together for a minute afterwards to talk about the problem or discuss reasons for why what he wanted can't or won't be happening.
autumn moth
We had a melt down just yesterday when he accidentally closed nickjr.com and could not find the link to re open it. A screeching, screaming, wailing, crying melt down. It lasted over 10 minutes. At the onset, I got down to his level and told him that "if the computer has made you so upset, I think it's time for it to go to bed," and I promptly shut it down. Of course this did nothing to quell the screaming, but I needed him to know that I wasn't going to "fix the computer" if he was screaming about it. Then I tried breathing (this usually works with him), I moved to tickling (it's his favorite), I stepped outside (only to watch him beat his head on the storm door). When I came back inside I got back down on the floor, told him it was okay to be angry, but he was done with the computer for the day. I then turned my back on him, grabbed his crayons and started coloring in his coloring book (I didn't invite him to play with me).... after a few minutes he calmed down and came over to color too. I told him that I like to play with him when he isn't so angry. he said "I'm okay, I'm happy." BUT WOW it was exhausting just watching him for a while. Thanks for reminding us to keep trying and try something new if a, b and c aren't working.
Anonymous
I think the most effective method is to completely ignore tantrums. Don't say a word, Turn your head away, or turn away, or walk away. It's OK to watch out of the corner of your eye. When the kid gets it under control, then give the kid lots of praise for their big girl or boy self-control. Also give lots of positive attention when a kid is behaving.
Alishia Owens
I have a 2 year old with a princess attitude. She is very strong willed and challenges me on just about everything. If she doesn't win, she starts a tantrum. Sometimes counting to three helps, and it is so cute when she says "no mommy, don't say three".
Also, we do the deep breaths. Usually, we take two or three (until I get her to stop crying) and then we talk out the problem. I stumbled onto this from Pinterest and am so glad to see some other tips!
Sarah
I personally subscribe to the belief that in most cases, a tantrum is a heart-issue related to self control. I spank, and she sits in her room afterwards - I decide how long because I've been given the authority, not her.All that said, if you have repeat issues with tantrums, especially with more than one child in the same family, you might want to look into a food allergy such as gluten. A diet change could significantly lessen the stress on your child's body and help a lot with behavior issues.
Anonymous
Another way I've found that helps kids when I work at camps is to give a kid a dixie cup of water. Tell them to drink the whole thing at one time. You can't cry when you're drinking water. By the time the cup is empty, they are no longer upset.
Anonymous
My oldest son is developementally delayed...he was born 13 weeks early and has had many difficulties in his life. He was the Tantrum King...I chose to ignore him...sending him to his room to "cry it out"...What finally worked with us was I started getting out the video camera. Without making fun of him or teasing I would simply state why he was throwing his fit, i.e. "He didn't get a movie when we went to Walmart" and then I would turn the camera on him. I would silently video him. This only took about 5 or 6 times and then he STOPPED. He is now a teenager and we have a hilarious video tape of him throwing fits. I do not recommend this as a way to torture or ridicule...but often we would watch the video once he calmed down and we would talk about how silly he was to be throwing himself around kicking and crying like that. It worked for us, hope it helps someone else!!