Are you looking for parenting tips to help you raise your toddler? Here are 10 Ways to Stop a Tantrum that I have found effective. What are tantrums? Merriam-Webster defines tantrum as a "fit of bad temper". All children have them. I know plenty of adults who have a "fit of bad temper" as well on occasion.
When you come to Mess For Less and get ideas for kids crafts and activities, you will see lots of photos of my happy and engaged children. If you don't know us personally, you might think things are always like that at my house. That is far from the truth.
We deal with our fair share of meltdowns and temper tantrums. If you have a child of any age then chances are you have dealt with a tantrum or two as well. My kids are prone to them and some days are worse than others. You might also find How to Prepare a Toddler for a New Baby helpful.
If you would like to purchase books that have helped me stop a tantrum, there is a list at the end of this post.
Ways to Stop a Tantrum
From a child's perspective, what are temper tantrums good for? Clearly, tantrums allow children to express their frustrations, but they are also a way for children to get attention. With that in mind, here are some tips and techniques we have used (in no particular order) to help stop a tantrum and restore calm to the household. You will notice many of them involve diverting a child's attention.
1. Distraction
This is a pretty easy one to employ and it works great for those times a child is upset because you won't give them something they want. "I have to tell you/show you something!" I'll say in a very excited voice. Often, that's enough to stop the tears and pique their interest.
2. Counting
We used to think my daughter B could not control her temper and outbursts. I would often think "poor kid, she can't help it." When she would be having a fit about something (she didn't get the color cup she wanted at lunch) we started counting to three and told her that if we got to three, she would go to time out. She did not want to go to time out and so she would stop crying. It would be pretty funny to see this kid going from full blown fit to quiet. It looks like maybe she could control her outbursts after all. Hmmmm...
3. Removing an item or privilege
In the midst of a meltdown, we say that we are going to take away something the child enjoys unless they can calm down. For example, "If you don't calm down and stop yelling then we will not go to the park later." Often the fear of losing something enjoyable can get kids back on track.
4. Deep breathing
Sometimes my daughters get so worked up about something that they forget to breathe and need to be reminded to do so. During calmer times, I have taught my kids how to take deep breaths and we will often do them together during a tantrum. This usually helps stop the crying and screaming on the part of the child, and truth be told, helps the parent calm down as well.
5. Tight Hugs
This goes hand in hand with the deep breathing. I find that a tight hug makes my child feel safe and they will often collapse into me since they are exhausted from the tantrum.
6. Quiet Spot
When one of my daughters was having frequent and severe tantrums, we established a "quiet spot" for her. We used a pack and play with pillows and a stuffed animal in it. Another option is a cozy corner in another room away from the action. Some pillows and stuffed animals help to diffuse the situation. We would let my daughter tell us when she was ready to come out. Sometimes when she sensed herself becoming upset, she would ask to go to her quiet spot.
7. Music
You can incorporate this with the quiet spot or use it alone. Give the child some headphones to listen to some calming music or children's songs. While a child is having a tantrum it is difficult for them to stop it and break out of their mood. The music automatically changes the mood and the headphones shut out the outside environment.
8. Using quiet voices
I find that if I am raising my voice or yelling in attempt to get the tantrum to stop, it only escalates things. It seems totally unnatural when you have a screaming and crying child to speak in a quiet voice, but it does help by not adding fuel to the fire.
9. Talk it out
This works better with older children. I use this one with my twins who are almost 4. Sometimes the fit will start so suddenly that I have no idea what caused it. When that happens, I will take the child to another room, sit them on my lap and ask them why they are upset. When they tell me, I ask "what can I do to make you feel better?" I think it helps them to have a say in the solution. Sometimes the answer is a kiss, other times it's an apology from a sibling.
10. Walk away
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, nothing works. I have found that occasionally the best thing to do is nothing. Walk away and ignore. This is the hardest of all the options because it's agonizing to listen to your child be so upset. When I have walked away and stopped giving attention, I have noticed that within a few minutes (2-10 or longer depending on how strong willed the child is) the child will stop and join the rest of the family.
Do these 10 ways to stop a tantrum always work to stop the whining and crying? No. If you have a technique that always works please let me know! Heck, even if you have a tantrum stopping technique that only works some of the time, let me know in the comments below. Every child is different. What works for one may not work for another. Try a few of these tips and see which your child responds to best. Good luck and remember when in the midst of a tantrum, this too shall pass.
Here are my favorite parenting books which contain great advice for dealing with tantrums:
Happiest Toddler on the Block
1,2,3 Magic
The Emotional Life of the Toddler
Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child
Boundaries with Kids
Don't forget to check out Part 2 - 10 MORE Ways to Stop a Tantrum with advice from our readers!
*No child was harmed in the writing of this post. The photo above of my youngest was taken when she was told that she could not have a third refill of juice.
If you enjoy reading about how to stop a tantrum you'll love:
10 Tips for Surviving the Terrible Twos
Jessica Feliciano says
Hi, thank you so much for all these ideas and the ones in the comments. Loved the spoon one, too cute, I have a cryer in my class, she'll cry for nearly anything.
The one with the breathing and calming down, and distracting with the noise and tickle monster are my favorite for my 3-year-old whom is not in my class but today he called me "His friend" because I give him the time of day he so desperately wants, that made my day.
I love these, you should add the ones in the comments to this blog.
I'm sharing this with my boss and co-workers. It's awesome!
Jeanette Torres says
I gotta try the quiet spot. It's so hard with my son. My daughter is easier because her feelings get hurt and she apologizes with a hug, but my son is another story.
Amylynn0413 says
Put the screaming child in front of a mirror and get them to look at themselves and how they look while having a tantrum can pull them out of a tantrum. This was extremely effective on my little sister and me when we were toddlers; it doesn't take long for a child to stop having a fit.
Amylynn0413 says
Put the screaming child in front of a mirror and get them to look at themselves and how they are acting. This method works within a few seconds. This one my mother used on me when I was a young child and it was extremely effective.
Anonymous says
I taught 3-yr-olds in a pre-k program, and my most effective temper tantrum tool was the Care Bears! Funshine Bear is the happy bear, and Grumpy Bear is obviously, grumpy. When my little ones would get upset I would give them the grumpy bear and we'd "sit for a minute" with them in my lap. When they got happy the would put grumpy down and pick up happy until they were ready to go play. It got to where several of my students would come to me and say, "Miss B, I need to sit for a minute" or "I'm a grumpy bear" and they didn't need to hold a bear to tell me how they felt. I hope this tactic works on my own little boy when he gets that age!
Megan Damron says
Distraction usually works for my little ones too, but for those tough to break tantrums I'll have to try some of this out.
Anne Kimball says
Hi Vicky, I’m Anne from Life on the Funny Farm (http://annesfunnyfarm.blogspot.com), and I’m visiting from the Kids Activities Blog Hop.
These are great tips. You were wise to point out that what works for one might not work for another, but you gave a wonderful resource for people to pick and choose what works for them and their child. This Mom of six ives it two thumbs up!
Anyway, thanks for posting this. If you’ve never visited yet, I hope you can pop by my blog sometime to say hi…
Vicky @ Mess For Less says
Thank you Anne, your words mean a lot. I am sure you have some amazing advice to share also. Love your blog, BTW.
Diana - FreeStyleMama says
These are great tips and I appreciate you sharing them! I am not sure what we did right, but my kids were never much for tantrums. And we ignored the few they threw.
Ludicrous Mama says
I do #'s 2 and 3 a little differently. I let her rage to the count of 5 (or cry for 1 minute, if she's been legitimately upset/hurt,) then she can finish in her room. It isn't a PUNISHMENT (time-out.) It's to let her "cool down" in a safe place. The rest of the house is "everybody rooms," and she needs to use her "everybody-room-voice" in those rooms. But she can scream and rage and cry in her room all she wants. I offer to help her calm down by urging deep breathing, or by attempting distraction first, then offer to help her get to her room to finish if it didn't work.
And instead of "If you don't stop you'll LOSE ___" I change it to, "Oh no! I was really looking forward to ___, but now it looks like we won't have time, since you're choosing to scream instead." Or "This screaming is really using up my energy. I don't think I'll have enough energy to go to/do ____ with you. So sad. I know you were really looking forward to it. Oh well. Maybe next time you'll make a different choice."
I don't feel it's fair to punish her for her inability to self-soothe. It's my job to help give her the tools, and consistently remind her how to use them. When she's 20, I won't be there to take away privileges. So showing her what she's missing to help encourage her to calm down helps motivate her to make the choice herself.
Another trick I use is to offer water to help her "cool down." I had read somewhere not to comfort with food, since then they can become "comfort eaters" and eat to soothe their feelings. But water is good for you, and the act of drinking requires them to calm down so they don't choke. Plus it IS cooling and refreshing. And I can give her a logical reason for it ("helps cool you down") rather than just using it to distract her. Then I can use milk or juice, or even soda, depending where we are and what's on-hand, and she doesn't link THEM with comfort, just the act of drinking.
Debra Faught says
My two year old is very strong willed. What seems to work best with him is going to wherever he is throwing his fit (if I try and pick him up and bring him somewhere else he fights, HARD!), sit down next to him, and calmly tell him that if he will just talk to mommy, I will do everything I can to help him. Also after I've said this to him, sometimes he doesn't want to talk, so I ask him if he trusts me to take care of him, that usually gets him to calm down and tell me what's wrong